Stop breaking your own heart…

We all have stories of who or what kind of person we want to become….and we all have stories of the person that we fear the most, that one  person who treated us unkind, humiliated us or just simply took our love for granted. 

What if you woke up one day and realized that the qualities that person had, the ones you hated the most, are the qualities that you now possess…..

and those terrible characteristic traits that caused you so much hurt and pain and resulted in your own suffering are now what you give to others…..let me share my story with you.

He was gone…..

I laid in bed wondering how did I let him slipped away. He was by far the best man I had ever encountered. He was rugged and seemed tough on the outside, but was far from that. He was gentle and so damn caring and knew how to treat his lady….

Who taught him that….

He would often expressed the hurt and betrayal that he had suffered after his one and only relationship. So many years had passed but it was evident that he was still carrying so much of that baggage and pain around…..

Yet he loved me unconditionally…

This was new to me. He wanted nothing from me, but for me to return that love to him. All he asked was for me to ‘stop doubting me’ as he so often put it. Little did he know that my trust issues had nothing at all to do with him, but everything to do with …..

The Woman I Had Become….

Not even I recognized her. Until one night I was going back over the day’s events in my mind. I was tortured, I was tormented. How could a person that love you treat you this way? How could someone so sweet throw such insults and criticism and make you feel so great and on top of the world bring you down without a moments notice to ground zero…..

Love is not supposed to hurt….

How could I hurt the man I was so in love with this way? This was the man who I cherished more than anything. This was my knight and shining armor, who I was ready to defend. He meant the world to me, yet he was hurt, he was confused and damaged….

By me…..

‘Abuse, what a coward, oh how it hurts’

Those were the words I had penned so nicely in that poem, the one I wrote years ago, that literally saved me. I remember looking on the page at the words flowing from my heart, as I expressed all the pain inside I was experiencing. I read that poem as if someone else had written it….’Is this the life I dreamt about, the one I see unfolding before my eyes’ the words echoed back at me…..

Abuse……

I never want anyone to ever feel or experience this life, it was the mental abuse that hurt more than anything. There are some words that cut straight through the heart. They stay with you for a lifetime. Once you speak them it’s as if they take on a life of themselves. There is indeed ‘power in the tongue’…..

LOVE DOES NOT HURT…..

This time those words were coming from me, I was speaking all these mean terrible things to the person I love, it was terrible, it was disgusting, oh so humiliating and shameful but what hurt the worst was, I was repeating what was done to me. All the characteristics of that person were suddenly now mine. I had exchanged my sweet soft spoken tone  to a more aggressive and spiteful one. My uplifting, praising and encouraging nature was now replaced by behavior I didn’t recognize……

Why him?

This hurt him so badly, he didn’t deserve this, all he ever did was shown me kindness, loved me, treated me well. Why would I hurt the kind of person that I prayed for, hoped for?

What was I saying?

Am I now unable to receive that love I longed for? What kind of person had I became? Did all the years of abuse,hurt, anger, pain, shame and humiliation created this? As I searched for answers I realized there were signs of low self worth, self-sabotaged, poor choices, it was plain to see that I was still carrying around my ex with me. I was the one doing all those terrible things to myself.

I was breaking my own heart…..

Sunshine Soulsister

 

 

Feelfree to leave comments below and share your own story.  Stories like this one are meant to encourage and uplift others. Abuse wears many faces, abuse is never the answer….

Domestic Abuse Hurts….